My Journey to Loving my Curves: and why I'm not done yet.

Wow this is going to be a hard one.


Mainly I am writing this for accountability, because going through this alone is difficult. Also I am writing this to tell all of you beautiful people who have struggled with self love that you are not alone.


Disclaimer: I am not writing this to promote an unhealthy lifestyle nor am I a licensed therapist. If you need advice in any of those areas I highly recommend reaching out to a licensed dietician and licensed therapist. However self love should be a thing all people should strive for no matter what size or body type you are. For the sake of not triggering anyone I will refrain from mentioning weight, diet tips, binging methods and sizing.


This is my story.


When I was 13, I went to my first ballet audition for Summer Intensives at the American Ballet Theatre. I was young and bright eyed and did not feel bad about my body yet. I was a young girl who wanted to be a ballerina and was very comfortable with my body. However that day that all changed when I went in my age bracket for the audition and (at a smaller than average size) I was the largest girl in my audition. I had developed at a fairly normal age for a girl to develop, but clearly that was early compared to the other girls in the class. That was the first time I saw a girl skin and bones and the first time I was envious of that.


I didn't know how to diet or what dieting was at that point but I remember that I shot up and got hips the summer of 2009. Nothing fit me and I was went up a size as one should when puberty hits you. That year I was going to try and be the young lead in The Nutcracker Ballet at my studio. And so without really knowing what I was doing, I dieted, I exercised and it became an obsession. I weighed myself twice a day to make sure I didn't bloat too much throughout the day, and lost a lot of weight for the part. Was it the healthiest way to lose weight? No. Absolutely not. I performed the role beautifully but at the end of the ballet I was supposed to do a lift with a guest artist. We hadn't practiced since he came in the night before my performance so we practiced at intermission. After failing a lot he said "I can't lift you. You're too heavy and you're costume is too slippery." It ripped me apart. I was 14 years old.


From then on food became a crutch and an obsession. Whether I was eating it or not eating it. What I was cutting out or not. I would diet for a bit then go on a bender. Luckily it never became extreme until my Senior year of high school when all hell broke loose and I lost my mind. A relationship ended of mine. I thought he was my everything despite him being manipulative and self serving. I then stopped eating completely. I didn't want anything. My mother at one point found rotten food in the back of my backpack and also freaked out when she saw how much hair I had lost after I showered. But what really freaked myself out, was the bony figure I'd become. I dropped down to a size I had not been since I was thirteen. And while people kept saying "You're so pretty! Wow you look great!" I felt weak and tired. My hand at that point could go around my upper arm.


I started to level out emotionally and physically when I went to college. I became a happier person and found myself a wonderful boyfriend. And I started to gain what most people call "happy weight". My body started to normalize but also my metabolism was completely botched from starving myself for almost a year. So I gained more than the normal amount. Which I didn't know is actually part of recovery. But that didn't matter. I was gaining weight and it freaked me out.


So my Junior year of college up until I graduated I had what people now would call orthorexia. Orthorexia is an eating disorder that is an unhealthy obsession with health and fitness to the point that it completely takes over your life. I wouldn't eat any sweets, treats, fatty foods, and I also would miss hanging out with friends and making memories to go to the gym. Coupled with my depressive mood swings, I would binge when I was down and get back on the health train when I was up. I didn't stop this terrible cycle until I told  my boyfriend what was happening. I realize I was trying to control my body too much to a weight that was hard to maintain. Almost impossible. I started to eat normally without control. I didn't weigh myself. I didn't obsess with how I looked. I just ate and enjoyed life. So naturally I have gone up a few sizes. Naturally I am not the skinny mini I was in high school. But I don't care. This is the happiest and most normal I have felt in a really long time.


So where do I start loving my curves?


Today. Today is the start. I am making a commitment to loving my body while striving for HEALTH, not skinny. If I miss the gym today, I will make it tomorrow. If I give myself a treat and eat some good food for a day, I will give myself some leafy greens and fruit tomorrow. If I gain weight.... Who cares? Bottom line is, I will not waste anymore time hating my body or my look. As I write this with tears of joy in my eyes (sorry I am a crier) I can honestly say I am so excited to see how I can live happily with myself. I love my curvy, muscular butt and thighs because they make me strong to dance. I love my chest, hips and stomach because they give me an hour glass shape. I love my red hair, green eyes, face shape, and pointy nose because they make me uniquely me. I hope all of you take this today, and remember to love yourself. I also urge you that as you go through your day, remember 1 in 4 women below the age of 25 have some form of an eating disorder. 1 in 10 men suffer an eating disorder. That is a lot of people. When you see someone looking good, tell them. When you see someone looking down, lift them up. You never know how it will impact them and their day.